The Other Half

They say that everyone in this world has someone for them and that each person is just half until they do find that other person. Some may have met that person and others still have yet to do so, now this is something that seems to be true and it is something that they many people truly believe in. For myself, I don't know if this is true. In my religion, the saying is, "getting married is half of your faith/religion." I'm not sure if I have met the right one yet, I feel as if I have but because of my paranoia and things of that nature, I feel like it might be too good to be true. This may sound a little sobby and emotional, especially for a male like myself who is involved with the athletics, the craziness, and the typical male stereotype which is why this is so hard for me to actually talk about to others. I’m just not used to talking about my feelings. Mostly everything is kept to myself and I just use comedy and joking as a way of avoiding my true feelings and thoughts. Unfortunately, I will begin to go into detail about this thought.

           

Have you ever met someone that you just have so much in common with that it seems like a dream? Have you ever met someone that just understands everything about you that you feel like it's too good to be true? Have you ever felt like you could just relate to anything and everything that a person says or does that it just seems wondrous and unreal? These are but just a small taste of the things that run through my mind. It is a complicated topic because of my religion which is Islam and there is no such thing as dating or having a girlfriend. Once a person knows if they like someone for marriage then the male usually asks the father or the oldest male of the girl's family for her hand in marriage. It's very hard to explain which is why I'm not sure how to think or how to feel even though I know what I do feel and my thoughts overrun these feelings.

           

I guess the reason for me not telling her, the person who I pretty much "dig", is that we are both still young and I don't want to ruin our friendship at all. This friendship means the world to me and the last thing I want is for her to stop anything with me. I have a very strong feeling she may feel the same way about me in terms of being together but as I said, we're both young, we both just started with college, and we have a long way ahead of us. What I'm trying to say is, she deserves all the best and I feel as if I can't supply that. I could be feeling bad for myself but if she's happy then I am happy. I don't even know why I'm giving up on this and her so easily and not doing anything about it but I've never been one to confess myself or my feelings. Maybe I should do something about this. Maybe I should change myself. Maybe I'll just accept the possibility of me dying alone one day as depressing as that may sound. This is one of the more specific reasons of why I'd rather not have any emotions, or at least any emotions pertaining to this. Love is complicated, that's why I am just lost in it all.

Emotions

Some things that have always bothered me were feelings and emotions as strange as that may sound. This is a very hard concept to explain so I will do my best to explain my thoughts on the matter. The reason that these two things bother me is because they cause stress and discomfort in my life. Emotions always get to me and they of course get to others. If myself or others did not have feelings and emotions, everything would be so much easier. There would not be a care for anything. A downside though would be pretty much being a zombie in your own body. There wouldn't be anything to really live for but honestly, this seems like the easier life. With things like school, work, the future, those whom one may be interested in (usually the opposite gender) and things like that, emotions play a huge part in our lives, in fact, they play a part in every aspect of our lives and others. 

Or maybe I'm just being bitter? I don't know, it seems like emotions do get me down most of the time and the reasons are of course complicated. The top reasons for this would be pressure from my family, her, peers around me, my future and what I may be doing, and finally life in general. I'm sure many people my age or around my age go through the same thoughts through their head and this deems it normal but I have to ask why. I just don't understand why these thoughts, emotions, and feelings all have to come at once and at what cost? It doesn't make sense because all of this is coming at me at once and I'm sure it is the same way for others. These are things that overwhelm us as a people and as humans in general. Some people do say that I might be depressed and what not but I don't see how because I do enjoy laughing, playing sports, and the likes so I of course brushed off this "depressedness" and I didn't think twice about it but since I brought this subject up, maybe it's possible. 

Or maybe I'm not depressed, I'm just being paranoid and taking all of these thoughts and feelings too far. These all seem like possibilities to me and I do hope it's the latter because that would mean that I am of course taking these feelings way too far and that they are probably insignificant. Emotions are a part of all of us and without them, we wouldn't be much. Like I said before, we'd just be walking like zombies. We'd be going to school, eating, sleeping, waking up, and repeat. Though that is most likely the case, I think I would rather not have these thoughts and emotions, I could get through a lot easier by not caring about others or other things even though not caring is wrong. I guess you could say, I'm trapped in my mind.

The Heart... Literally

So this is a long story and it's not actually a very smart story but in my 8th grade year in middle school I began feeling a shortness of breath as well as my heart beating rapidly and chest hurting while playing any sport or anything requiring a large amount of activity. Now one thing to mention is that I don't experience this throughout playing the sport. I experience it while running really hard, chasing a ball down, or any extreme during the sport as I do like to play and try really hard because it's fun. I guess it could be described as my chest about to explode as well as gasping for air like I'm about to drown. I play it off when people see in me in obvious distress but it continues to hurt for a bit after that.

  

Freshmen year of high school I didn't experience this problem because I wasn't involved with any heavy activity so I thought it was just a temporary thing and I didn't have to worry about it. This all changed when I went into my sophomore year. During prayer in the mosque which was every Friday, I fainted 3 weeks in a row during this. So of course my parents found out as they were there and took my to see a doctor a week later. The doctor put me on a machine that monitors my heart for 24 hours in the day and checks to see if there are any irregularities. Since I didn't do much of anything the day I was checked, the doctor found nothing wrong but there was always something wrong. I continued about my days that year without worrying and it never bothered me until my next year of high school where I started playing sports more intensely and actually realistically instead of the average everyday pick-up games.

I continued playing heavy soccer for the years after and I always experience this problem in any sport I play as well. I decided not to tell my parents about this because I just felt it would end up being the same as the last time and I just deal with it. The problem is though, I have noticed a lot of professional athletes in sports either fainting, going into a seizure or in fact dying while playing their sport. Of course this scares me but if anything happened to me, I just feel like I'll accept it. Really the only people that know this are my close friends and the people that I play sports with. They do tell me to go see a doctor and I mean, that's great advice but I don't really have the intention of doing so even though it would probably benefit me. I know for sure it'd be a great idea to go see a doctor but as I said before, it has become a thing for me where I just accept whatever happens. I don't know why I have this quality about me and I guess it's just something that I don't care much about though a lot of people around me do. Funnily enough, my parents don't enough this problem still exists and I don't have any intention of telling them.

Myself

Starting off, my name is Ahmad, I'm currently 18 years old and I do go to the University of Michigan -- Flint. I am of Palestinian heritage. This means that both of my parents are from Palestine and all of my culture and traditions are Palestinian, or at least most of them. I was born in Flint, Michigan where I lived for about a year and a half before I moved to Grand Blanc which can be described as a suburb right outside the city of Flint. It's about a 10 minute drive between the two cities. Now unlike a lot of people who are from the same heritage as me, I have visited Palestine numerous times. I've been in the Israeli part where nothing is happening and I have been to the parts in the West Bank where it is pretty much war-torn with a lot of distress. It is a roller coaster of emotions once you enter that area. First you must go through many checkpoints to get to your destination, being questioned by Israeli authority and Israeli soldiers as well as being allowed to stay in the area for a short period of time unless you live there. And if you live there, you are rarely allowed out of the West Bank or Gaza. I've seen the worst and the best there and I guess that's a large contributor to why I'm so empathetic  and sympathetic to people. Sometimes you have to see the worst just so you can get to the best and that's how I felt when I visited, even at a young age.

           

Another bit about me would be being blessed with athleticism. I did play club soccer, I did play school basketball, I am a black belt, I am a life guard, I did run track, and I am thankful that I was able to do all of those things. Athletics and thing of that nature have always interested me and I always have enjoyed watching them too. Sports have been a big part of my life because my father and my uncles did play semi-professionally and professionally back in Palestine. Unfortunately they played in the Israeli leagues because they technically lived in Israeli territory and those leagues are unfortunately better than the Palestinian leagues. I grew up watching these sports and that really sparked my interest as I did imitate or try to imitate the athletes on television. I'd have to thank my family and close friends for all of that and on top of all of them, of course I owe it all to God. 

On that note, religion is also a huge part of my life as well. I wouldn't say I was very religious back in my high school days but once I got into college and took life a lot more seriously, I would say that I did become more religious than I was. I am a Muslim which means I practice and am a believer of Islam. I don't know exactly why I got more religious, but I think it'd be because I became more spiritual with myself and honestly, it feels great. It feels great to understand oneself and one's faith as well as those around him. I may not be a sheikh (like a priest for Christians or Raabi for jews) but I do know enough about my religion to give a fairly good insight on what to do and what not to do.

           

Lastly I do enjoy art. I am a decent drawer but the art I am talking about would be art on the computer or as many like to call it, graphics. I started making graphics back in the 8th grade and I did teach myself by just messing around with the different tools in Photoshop or GIMP and I did follow some tutorials here and there and really, I'm proud of my work. One of the reasons I did get into graphic design was to get away from my problems and issues around me. It was an outlet, a way to get away. I just felt free doing what I did on the computer and at the end of it all, it was art and it was enjoyable. I don't want to become professional with it as it is a hobby but I love it. 

There are five things that can take my mind off of any problems and those are; practicing my faith, being around the other half, playing sports, being with my close friends, and lastly, art.